things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
