"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
