just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
