He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
