do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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