What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
