Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
