i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
