Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
