had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
