Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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