so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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