I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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