How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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