no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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