My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
