She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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