he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I need to align my fucking chakras
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
