This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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