...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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