Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
