His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
