you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
