I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
