Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
