I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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