is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize