Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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