just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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