Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
