please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
