Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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