Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize