So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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