I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
