Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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