I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
