i need an iv and a liver transplant
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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