I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
