Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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