finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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