I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
