Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
