so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Randomize
