Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
