i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
