I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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