I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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