drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
