Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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