It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
