I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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