Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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