Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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