She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
