I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
