ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
