I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
